As I've mentioned a few times before, I'm going to be a senior in high school come September. This comes with a whole whirlwind of of emotions I don't feel at all prepared to handle. On the one hand, I'm deliriously happy and relieved. One year left! Then it's on to college and the rest of my life. A lot of times I can stay in this positive side of things, but other times I can't even fathom how to get there.
See, I've never dealt with change well. Even the smallest detail like changing my phone case can be a big deal for me. I'm sentimental and I get attached not just to objects but to people, places, routines, and feelings. I get attached to the way my life has been going and how I've been feeling. When something changes, it sucks and I can get really stressed out, actually to the point of tears and break downs if its a massive change.
Usually, small changes are manageable. Since life is ever changing, fluid, and rushing past I know I can't just dig in and stay the same. I'm not different than anyone else. I'm bobbing in this crazy current too. Lately though, my life has been all change. Suddenly it's not just another summer, but my last summer, the last real family vacation, my last pre-season for soccer (although admittedly this is not really a bad thing). Everything is the last something and I don't know how to handle it. It feels like as soon as I get over one change, another one slaps me in the face. I want to enjoy what's happening around me, but I can't stop seeing how different my entire life is becoming all at once.
The only thought I have is that I'm going to blink and it will all be gone. I'll graduate, my friends and I will say goodbye, at least temporarily, and go to college, probably not in the same place. I know it has to happen just like I know college will be great and I'll make new friends who will bring wonderful new memories. But I'm not ready for any of that yet. I'm not ready to be a senior.
It feels like my life is a car speeding out of control and I need to pull the emergency brake, stop for awhile, rest, prepare, and the move on. But life isn't my Kia Soul. It doesn't have an emergency brake conveniently in the center console. There is no slowing down, no reverse, only forward motion. I'm not really sure how to deal with that.
This has basically been a long rant with no real answer. I didn't write it hoping you could give them to me either. I'll probably hate myself for posting something so full of angst years from now (if I even post this). I also know that future me will probably read this and be glad none of these things mattered in the end as I'm cringing in embarrassment. I won't feel like this anymore and this will be some embarrassing memory, a bad story to tell. These feelings will be totally insignificant.
But right now, they matter. Right now as I write this at midnight in August while I should be sleeping, this is how I feel. And you know what? I feel just a bit better because I acknowledged my feelings and breathed life into them by writing them down. More than anything else that is why I am a writer. To put feelings on paper, to cope, and to help myself. Whether or not anyone else reads it or ever cares comes second. Always.